It is my story, I decide when and how it will end

From time to time I feel like I should let the past stay where it is and move on with my life. I do not intentionally dwell on the last year. The way I live my life now is dictated by the final actions of Guy Curtis when he decided that he had gotten all he could from me and wanted out. 

If you feel that I am unjustly fixated on that event, you are correct about the fixation. Each night I go to bed and it does not haunt my dreams. In the morning when I open my eyes it becomes a reality all over again. I use my hands to find my way out of my room, and down the hall to the bathroom. If I turn on the lights too soon I spend most of the day suffering a horrible headache. I have learned to accept this adjustment. I choose to start my day with this small accommodation rather than let my pride get in the way. If I forced myself to function the way I did before then Guy Curtis would control me every day. 

I am not angry any more, I have come to terms with the limitations I live with. I do not feel that I am vindictive. I do not spend any time plotting revenge. I do allow myself the occasional fantasy wherein he is before a judge in handcuffs. When the gavel falls and he is given sentence I am allowed one last look in those previously arrogant eyes. I cannot see him clearly but it is enough for him to know that I did follow through and get justice. 

I have forgiven myself for the mistake of believing his facade. I have shored up the walls around me and patched the cracks that he exploited to further his cause. I no longer allow anyone to be close, to hear my stories or tell me theirs. I have not become self centered, or indifferent. I have allowed myself to be independent and safe. If I tell nothing of myself then I cannot be used against myself. A weakness cannot be found in something unknown.

If the time is taken to realize and slowly determine who and how I am, it can never be said that I misrepresented myself. What is found, what is believed of me...that is someone else's story. The perspective of my reality is colored by the life of everyone who encounters it. I choose what is written on the pages of my life every day. What I do not include, is ultimately forgotten, and if necessary for my survival it just might be you.