I have dealt with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety, among other things, for years. Over the last year it seemed to me that each time I tried to open up to the world outside my door, either to step out myself, or let someone else in, it only justified my fears. There is nothing in the world that I can not live without. If I could buy groceries on line and have them delivered without paying an exorbitant convenience fee I probably would.
Today as I write this I am sitting in my Mother's den. It is a safe place in a beautiful home. I am here as part of a legal settlement resulting from the nightmares that infected my home and my life last year about this time. I will be here until next February. Each day I become aware of little things that indicate that I am getting a little stronger. Last night her very nice expensive high efficiency washer threw out an error code, of course with my clothes being the load that it crapped out on.
Not even 3 months ago this would have given rise to a full on panic attack. It isn't my washing machine, I didn't do anything wrong but it still died on my load of clothes, I can't afford to replace it, I already owe her so much more than I can ever repay....etc etc etc. However, last night I simply told Mom what happened, attempted to start the load again and got the same error code again. I began a methodical search for the manual that goes with the washer, and found it. Looked up the error code and showed it to her. It indicated that we were going to need to call a repairman. The surprising thing is that all of this occurred without a hint of tears, sweats, nausea, shakes or any of the other symptoms of panic.
When all was said and done, as I sat down to resume working on a baby blanket it occurred to me that nothing had happened. No freak out, not even a hidden rush of anxiety. Pretty good stuff, I even mentioned it to Mom and she agreed that it was a good event and definitely indicated that my recovery is in progress.
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