Making peace with your past is something that does take time. Realizing that you may never get an explanation much less an apology is one of the biggest stumbling blocks. I think it is only natural to be curious if nothing else. What was it I did that brought me/us to this point? If you have been involved with a Narcissistic or Borderline Personality, it is highly probable that you did nothing wrong. You gave your heart and possibly your body to a person that is very comfortable misrepresenting themselves. The way they camouflage their true nature is diabolical.
It is not your responsibility to present yourself in a manner that pleases others. It is your responsibility to not intentionally injure others, spiritually, mentally or physically. A personality disordered individual does not hesitate to turn circumstances around, making you feel that you have done or said something that is injurious to them. Be very careful, listen to your inner voice. Trust your own judgement. In the book Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Analysis, the late forensic psychiatrist Theodore Dorpat defines gaslighting as a situation in which one individual "attempts to exert control over the feelings, thoughts or activities of another." According to Dorpat, the gaslighting behavior itself is covert — neither "directly hostile" nor "intimidating."
Time will heal, but it is a slow process. The length of a relationship may not necessarily dictate the recovery process or time frame. My actual relationship with Guy Curtis was only a few months long. He found a chink in my armor and exploited it to his benefit. It has been almost a year since he beat me, stole my car, and left state. I have finally forgiven myself for not "knowing" better. There are physical issues that will never heal. My spirit is stronger everyday as is my dedication to keeping myself safe.
My life is my own, every single second of it has contributed to making me the woman I am today. Good ones, bad ones, terrifying and sad ones. I do my best to not judge others based on my initial contact. Everyone, including myself, can have a bad day. I do not take anyone at face value either. My friends and I say that I have retired my cape. It is no longer my job to save the world. Obviously I wasn't very good at it in the first place.
I have determined that concern and worry are not necessarily one in the same. For me worry is an almost constant state of mind. I dedicate so much energy to trying to find the "best" outcome for everyone involved, that I am not able to concentrate on the most basic of decisions for my own good. Concern, again for me, is a passing state of mind. I care about my friends and family, when one of them genuinely suffers, it brings a sympathetic statement or gesture from me. It is a transient thought process, and once I have determined and taken the appropriate action the thought is gone. This has not always been my nature, but I have worked on adapting this attitude and find it makes my life much simpler.
I no longer "count" on the good nature of others. I have realized that the majority of people I have known were more than willing to accept anything and everything I had to offer, and felt no obligation in return. The expectation is what caused me to feel let down, foolish, and often very hurt. I have learned to say no, it is not possible for me to be hurt by another's poor memory when I am in need of help, if I have done nothing that should garner reciprocation. This not only makes my life easier, I am no longer concerned with being responsible for others comfort, and this in turn allows me to dedicate much more time and energy to my own.
Recent events have shown me that my issues are actually very small in the grand scheme of things. I have not been shot, caught in an explosion, lost a family member to senseless violence. I have a nice house, a wonderful man, my health for the most part, and I have made it a point to look for a positive in every circumstance I encounter. Some of them are actually pretty ridiculous but I hang on to them for the next dark day. For example: My mother has been a huge help to me financially and emotionally. Last year, shortly after Guy Curtis left I was in my basement doing laundry. There is a routine to this process, and I varied it just a bit. I set the time on the dryer and pushed the button...nothing...I checked the outlet and the plug was solidly in place. I looked up at the sky and sent out a silent prayer. I looked down at my feet to consider my options and realized that I had not closed the dryer door. I chuckled, closed the door, hit the button and ta da, I had fixed the dryer. That one simple victory led to many other tiny ones. To me they were a great part of my healing process.
Maybe not all of these seven rules are new to you. I was aware of most of them in theory, but did not put them into practice for myself until last year. My life is so much simpler, and with the removal of the weeds from the garden of my spirit, I have made room for some amazing flowers to bloom.
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