Making peace with my past has been no easy task. I have been no saint. As a teenager I was hell on wheels and put my parents through more than their fair share of grief. I am sure there are a million reasons, even more excuses and rationalizations. Fact is that what is done is done and I have apologized and made peace with them.
More difficult has been trying to understand why others have treated me as they have. I have looked deep within myself for my role in the cause and affect of my life. I have desperately tried to stand on the outside and look at the memories. I now realize that "why?" is very often a question to which there is no answer other than "because." Again a million reasons, excuses, and rationalizations that they have used to justify their behavior.
I struggle daily with rule two. My dilemma is separating what others think of me from how others feel as a result of something I have said or done. I do not want to be the reason for anyone to feel the way I have, and on occasion still do. This has actually become a weakness used against me. I have been an easy mark in the past for narcissists, and greed, and men like Guy Michael Curtis who have wanted and gladly taken any and everything I could give and returned nothing for my efforts. Again the unanswerable "why" comes into play.
Time heals everything, I hear this in every aspect of life. Skinned knees, bumps, bruises and broken hearts. The definition of healing is subjective I think. My soul, spirit and heart are well on their way. The memories still come and send me on a wild goose chase for "why." I am not sure that any amount of time will stop this, each day I look in the mirror and see the permanent reminders of the beating Guy Michael Curtis gave me on his way out of my life. The memories are not so much painful and confusing and downright infuriating lately.
I am often confused by rule four. How am I to determine if someone is going to be a good or bad influence on my life. I may not know what their journey has been, how it led them to me, or what part they played in their previous tragedies. All too often I have given the benefit of the doubt only to wish I could take it back. When I finally came back to reality after Mr. Curtis left I made a decision to retire my cape. It is not my responsibility to save the world. I guess this may be where not caring what others think comes in. It is none of my business, nor do I want it to be, if I am perceived as cold and insensitive because I don't buy into someone's sob story.
This takes me to rule five. If I follow my first instinct, I eliminate the possibility of over-thinking. I no longer wish to extend myself for the benefit of the latest victim of the school of hard knocks. This does not mean that I have no sympathy or consideration for others. It does mean that I will not change my standards, lifestyle, routines etc. for the convenience of anyone. My house is my home, no one else deserves to enjoy it but me. I have chosen to share this with one man, and no one else. No overnight guests that forget to leave, no refrigerator raiders that won't help refill it, no slobs that can't pick up after themselves. If obvious courtesies and respect need to be asked for they are not forthcoming and neither is a second chance.
No one is in charge of my happiness, and I am not in charge of anyone else's. It is not my problem...no matter what ails you it is not my responsibility to fix it. I have found myself overwhelmed with trying to keep others content. This has me little energy for myself. As I began to eliminate the weeds from the garden of my life I began to see more sunlight. The negative energy created by feeling that I was not good enough, began to dissipate. The flowers bloomed and I have time to stop and smell them.
I do not own all the problems in the world. With this realization I no longer feel obligated to fix them. Me, myself and I are all that I am beholden to. I now choose, very carefully, who I allow into my space. I no longer feel the need to make things better for others in order to feel worthy of their presence in my life. If they need or want me to make them happy I apply the same rule to them that I have to myself. I am in charge of my happiness, and only mine.
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