Want ~ Need ~ Deserve

Realizing that there is a difference between what I want and what I deserve has been a very slow process for me. What I want may not necessarily be good for me. Never the less the pain that comes from not satisfying that want may make it feel like a need. 

It is far easier for me to identify what I don't deserve rather than what I deserve. I do not deserve to be scared, taken advantage of, lied to, stolen from, manipulated, beaten and subsequently left to recover on my own.

I want to be genuinely loved, and I deserve this.  I want to be held, and I deserve this. When I am sad or overwhelmed by the world at large I want someone to brush the hair from my face, look into my eyes and actually listen to me, I deserve this. 

My partner says that I am a mush, and rightly so. He called me once from work while he was on a break, just to say hi. It occurred to me after we were done talking that no one had ever done that before. Such a simple gesture and it fueled my smile steadily for a couple days. Remembering it still makes me smile. 

I am as physically healed as I will be from the beating that Guy Michael Curtis gave me. I am overly (or maybe not) of everyone I meet since then. I have become very good at saying NO. I have retired my cape, it is not my job to save the world. 

Lack of ambition, effort, preparation et al. on the part of someone else does not create a crisis for me anymore. I work every day to respond rather than react. If I slip and fall into the old reactionary pattern, I have learned to give myself permission to change my mind without being considered a hypocrite, or liar.

I gain a little more insight and strength every day. I will take these tools with me when I return home and use them as the mortar that holds the bricks of my world together. If you have been toxic in my past, you are not invited to my present, and will definitely not be a consideration in my future.

If you are reading this and feeling the least bit uncomfortable, like maybe I am thinking of you, you are probably right and you have done this to yourself.