Spring cleaning

I had warned everyone that this month, June, was probably going to be a difficult one for me. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the worst beat down I have ever experienced. However it feels more like mental and emotional Spring cleaning. 

There are memories of the few months Guy Michael Curtis was in my life and my home. Oddly enough he appears less and less in them.  They are becoming less frequent and beginning to blur around the edges. The pain and sadness I thought would overwhelm me has not. Rather a sense of peace has taken their place. 

In the beginning of this exile I was filled with a sense of anger and foul play. Those who had conspired to take my home, and possibly my life were not held accountable for their actions. As much as I hate the phrase "not fair," that is exactly what kept running through my mind. 

Events that have transpired have taken the sting away. My mother had a heart attack shortly before I was to come stay with her. The plans were already in place eliminating the sense of panic that would have overwhelmed me otherwise. Recently my son became engaged to a wonderful young lady. They will be getting married next Saturday. Once more circumstances have enabled me to be much closer and able to attend their wedding without the chaos of planning and transportation etc. 

I have always felt that my life was a garden of sorts. Last year it became overrun with weeds and garbage. I have rid my life of toxic people, thus getting rid of the weeds. This has made room for beautiful flowers to take root. I am resolved to maintain the blooms and continue to thwart the weeds. There are only a few individuals left that may try to create fresh hell for me, won't they be surprised when they find the drawbridge raised and the gate locked.

I am shedding the memories much like a winter coat. As they come they are more uncomfortable than sad and painful. I let each one run it's course and drift away. In a way I suppose I have forgiven those people, more because it takes too much energy to cultivate a sense of vengeance. Ultimately all will have to answer to their higher powers. If in fact there is such a thing as karma and it settles debts ten-fold I almost feel sorry for them. Almost...

Freeing myself from yesteray

I have been doing quite a bit of analyzing lately. I realized that I have been trying to insure that I never find myself in those circumstances again. To this end I continue to dig away at my memories and wondering why I did or didn't do something. How did Guy Michael Curtis, in the brief span of 7 months manage to have me doubting my faith, my core beliefs and morals, and my very identity. It was 7 months almost to the day between meeting him the first time and the day he beat me damn near to death.

Something occurred to me today, something so simple and yet vitally important to my recovery and ability to actually live my life from this day forward. That set of circumstances can never happen again. I can say this with unequivocal certainty. Those dates will never show up on my calendar again, the weather will never be identical again, the constellation of people in my life will never be the same again.

I have been educating myself on toxic personality disorders since the day Guy left my home and my life. One thing that I have become aware of is that several of my sister survivors are beginning to date again and seeing red flags in everyone. I am not actively dating, I do have a new partner and we were friends for many years before we became us. I am rarely out in the world to face new people, and as such am not able to determine my own sensitivity to red flag behavior. 

I have set my boundaries and expectations of others in general. I know what I will and will not accept in my life now. I refuse to tell anyone who I am, if they truly want to know the will take the time and pay attention to my responses to events, the music I enjoy and how it changes with my mood, the type of people I associate with and the type that make me uncomfortable. I was accused by Guy of being a liar. I was not who I told him I was, however he failed to take into consideration the affect my association with him had on my personality.

Every experience, conversation, interaction with the world changes us, sometimes in such a minuscule way that we aren't even aware. We are constantly evolving creatures, if we do not respond accordingly to our environmental stimulus we are forced to react to maintain an existence. This existence is a constant struggle for survival as we swim upstream against the majority of society. Curiously enough one of Guy Michael's favorite phrases was "adapt or die." As much effort as I had put into adapting to him, he almost killed me anyway, go figure.

I have wandered away from what was to be my primary focus right now. The perfect storm that created my circumstances in 2012 can never, under any circumstances occur again. With this in mind I have decided not to actively look for red flags. "Worrying only creates a circumstance that wasn't there to begin with." Ultimately if all I am concerned about is the bee that might sting me I will overlook the beauty of the flower garden they are pollinating.

I will keep in mind my boundaries and will allow no breaches of them. I will also take into consideration that while we are all on the same journey we are taking different paths. I want others to view me with this courtesy and understanding and it is only fair that I do the same for them.

Toxic people coming out of the woodwork

I am getting stronger. A little more so every day. As I am preparing for the wedding of my oldest child I have made some realizations. He is a Jehovah's Witness. As such there are certain wedding traditions that he is not comfortable with. I am not a Witness and initially I was annoyed that I would not be throwing rice or tapping a wine glass at his reception. Then I began to think of his wishes in the same way I should have been thinking about my life all along. 

This is their wedding, not mine, my mother's or my brother's. It may seem odd to us but this is a circumstance where his wishes are not causing undo stress to anyone. If we simply accept the situation there will be no hard feelings.

As I find myself becoming more comfortable with ability to set and maintain boundaries something is occurring. As I began this journey I realized that there were some obviously toxic people around me. I curtailed contact with them if not eliminating them completely. I set my boundaries, I decided for myself what I am and am not willing to do for or offer to others. 

People that I had not viewed as toxic began to lose their facades as I began to say no, or offer no assistance for their crisis of the moment. As I began to speak up for myself I started to hear accusations of anger, attitude and paranoia. No, no, and definitely not. This, however, is MY life. If I don't want to invite you to stay for supper, I will not. If you don't have a place to stay tonight, that really is a shame, but not my problem. If you can't afford cigarettes then you should quit smoking.  Etc. etc. etc.

I have retired my cape, something long overdue. It never was my job to make life better for anyone other than myself. It was a position that I volunteered for and struggled with for many years. It almost cost me my home, my freedom and my life last summer. 

The final person left in my life that was taking advantage of my state of mind, Guy Michael Curtis, beat me horribly on the 4th of July 2012. I firmly believe that if I had not told him that if he didn't stop he would have a corpse to deal with he may have gone ahead and beat me to death.

I will never again place myself in a position or mindset that does not have ME first and most important when making my choices. I will not react but will take the time and consideration to respond to circumstances that I encounter. You may think you know me, but you haven't got a clue. If you are relying on my prior "good" nature to work for you again when I return to my home, you are in for a major disappointment.

Want ~ Need ~ Deserve

Realizing that there is a difference between what I want and what I deserve has been a very slow process for me. What I want may not necessarily be good for me. Never the less the pain that comes from not satisfying that want may make it feel like a need. 

It is far easier for me to identify what I don't deserve rather than what I deserve. I do not deserve to be scared, taken advantage of, lied to, stolen from, manipulated, beaten and subsequently left to recover on my own.

I want to be genuinely loved, and I deserve this.  I want to be held, and I deserve this. When I am sad or overwhelmed by the world at large I want someone to brush the hair from my face, look into my eyes and actually listen to me, I deserve this. 

My partner says that I am a mush, and rightly so. He called me once from work while he was on a break, just to say hi. It occurred to me after we were done talking that no one had ever done that before. Such a simple gesture and it fueled my smile steadily for a couple days. Remembering it still makes me smile. 

I am as physically healed as I will be from the beating that Guy Michael Curtis gave me. I am overly (or maybe not) of everyone I meet since then. I have become very good at saying NO. I have retired my cape, it is not my job to save the world. 

Lack of ambition, effort, preparation et al. on the part of someone else does not create a crisis for me anymore. I work every day to respond rather than react. If I slip and fall into the old reactionary pattern, I have learned to give myself permission to change my mind without being considered a hypocrite, or liar.

I gain a little more insight and strength every day. I will take these tools with me when I return home and use them as the mortar that holds the bricks of my world together. If you have been toxic in my past, you are not invited to my present, and will definitely not be a consideration in my future.

If you are reading this and feeling the least bit uncomfortable, like maybe I am thinking of you, you are probably right and you have done this to yourself.

Beware of this man, or men like him

I have spent the last year trying to understand how Guy Michael Curtis got to me. I don't have any happy memories when I think of the few months he was part of my life. I choose not to say he shared it, because he didn't. He took everything I freely offered and gave little if anything in return. The memories that come to mind are embarrassing more than anything else. 

He led me to believe that I was close minded, and to be honest when I came to the things that benefited him I was. I felt that I needed to start thinking outside the box. However, he chose to stay in his box. He was fond of telling me that "it isn't all about you." Of course he would think I felt that way, primarily because he was projecting onto me. 

I bought his beer, his cigarettes, paid the bills for my house that he lived in rent free. It was my fault when we ran out of groceries. He started out appreciating my efforts to make him happy and feel comfortable in my house. It didn't take long before he began to expect me to bring him coffee, or bring him something to eat.

He wanted time alone, but if I let him have that time, I was ignoring him. More than once he said he was going to leave, I never once asked him to stay. I had made a deal with him, I would give him a place to stay, and practice music as my contribution to a dream that he had. The music didn't last long. I did tell him he didn't have to leave. There was a spare bedroom if he wanted it. Later on when I asked him why, if he didn't want to be with me, didn't he take the spare room. His response was that I had not provided a bed. 

He commandeered my computer, which I paid the internet for. It became a point of contention, he failed to recognize that everything in that house was mine. Allowing him to stay there and use any of it was generous on my part. 

I should have known, I should have seen it coming, that is what keeps going around in my head. Everything he convinced me to do that made me uncomfortable was a red flag that I either missed completely, or convinced myself was not that big of a deal.

I have done a great deal to educate myself since last July. What I have learned is that Guy Michael Curtis is a classic Borderline Personality with more than a sprinkling of narcissistic tendencies.  

Five Rules To Live A Happier Life

I do not approach this as an expert in any capacity. The only thing I consider myself to be an expert on it myself, and occasionally I am not sure about that either.

Love Yourself

Loving myself means saying no, and not feeling guilty. Loving myself is enjoying my blessings, and not thinking I am somehow obligated to share them. Loving myself is changing my mind. Loving myself is not giving toxic people unlimited opportunities to "change."

Do Good

This is a difficult rule for me to reconcile with the others. I have determined that doing good does not result in harm to myself. If allowing others wants and needs to come before my own I steadily become less of a person. This in turn interferes with my ability to love myself. If doing good for myself coincidentally benefits another there is nothing detrimental in that effort. If this situation begins to give way to expectation rather than appreciation, I will allow myself to terminate the other's benefit. This again confirms my value to myself and therefore is good.

Always Forgive

Much is said about consequences, karma, revenge etc. As of late I have been accused of an inability to "let go." I do not believe that "letting go" and forgiveness are one in the same. I can and have forgiven the participants in last years horrific events. However I will not allow myself to forget that Guy Michael Curtis beat me so badly that my vision is permanently compromised. I do not dwell on these events, but I have not forgotten them. It is my belief that should I forget it creates the possibility of allowing those circumstances to repeat. I have said from the beginning that if man's justice does not catch up with him, ultimately he will have to answer to God for his actions. I have forgiven, I am not actively seeking retribution.

Harm No One

In this case, no one includes myself. Putting myself in harm's way, no matter how minimal the risk, is a violation of this rule. Inviting someone to dinner when my refrigerator and cupboard are empty is not acceptable. In my past I would not hesitate to do this, and any number of other things for someone in need, or who professed to be in need. I have discovered that I did these things for the sake of "doing unto others." I mistakenly believed that the majority of people lived this way. However, when I found myself in need there was no reciprocation to be found. This in turn created a cloud of disappointment and sadness around me, harmful to my peace of mind. I will never intentionally set out to do things that will bring discomfort to others, no longer will I do things to prevent others from experiencing the consequences of their own choices. If they come to harm as a result of their own poor judgement or immoral choices it is not my responsibility to mitigate that.

Be Positive

I have looked at this rule in many capacities. I am positive that I do not owe anyone anything. I am positive that I need to evaluate each situation that presents itself to determine what is in my best interest. I am positive that I will not allow the circumstances and direction of my life to be determined by another. I am positive that my efforts will eliminate the "weeds" from my garden, and make room for "flowers" to thrive. I am positive that I will never again be physically, mentally or emotionally harmed as a result of allowing another into my personal circle. I am positive that these changes will be difficult for some to understand. I am positive that those who genuinely love me will come to appreciate these changes as they will no longer need to be concerned about my well being. I am positive that those who have nefarious intent will find no cracks to wiggle through.

I love myself enough to be good to myself. I love myself enough to forgive myself for my poor judgement in the past. I love myself enough to not allow others needs and wants to come before my own. I love myself to continue to live in a manner which will positively make me happy, keep me safe, and give me peace.

Seven cardinal rules

Making peace with my past has been no easy task. I have been no saint. As a teenager I was hell on wheels and put my parents through more than their fair share of grief. I am sure there are a million reasons, even more excuses and rationalizations. Fact is that what is done is done and I have apologized and made peace with them.
More difficult has been trying to understand why others have treated me as they have. I have looked deep within myself for my role in the cause and affect of my life. I have desperately tried to stand on the outside and look at the memories. I now realize that "why?" is very often a question to which there is no answer other than "because." Again a million reasons, excuses, and rationalizations that they have used to justify their behavior.

I struggle daily with rule two. My dilemma is separating what others think of me from how others feel as a result of something I have said or done. I do not want to be the reason for anyone to feel the way I have, and on occasion still do. This has actually become a weakness used against me. I have been an easy mark in the past for narcissists, and greed, and men like Guy Michael Curtis who have wanted and gladly taken any and everything I could give and returned nothing for my efforts. Again the unanswerable "why" comes into play.

Time heals everything, I hear this in every aspect of life. Skinned knees, bumps, bruises and broken hearts. The definition of healing is subjective I think. My soul, spirit and heart are well on their way. The memories still come and send me on a wild goose chase for "why." I am not sure that any amount of time will stop this, each day I look in the mirror and see the permanent reminders of the beating Guy Michael Curtis gave me on his way out of my life. The memories are not so much painful and confusing and downright infuriating lately.

I am often confused by rule four. How am I to determine if someone is going to be a good or bad influence on my life. I may not know what their journey has been, how it led them to me, or what part they played in their previous tragedies.  All too often I have given the benefit of the doubt only to wish I could take it back. When I finally came back to reality after Mr. Curtis left I made a decision to retire my cape. It is not my responsibility to save the world. I guess this may be where not caring what others think comes in. It is none of my business, nor do I want it to be, if I am perceived as cold and insensitive because I don't buy into someone's sob story.

This takes me to rule five. If I follow my first instinct, I eliminate the possibility of over-thinking. I no longer wish to extend myself for the benefit of the latest victim of the school of hard knocks. This does not mean that I have no sympathy or consideration for others. It does mean that I will not change my standards, lifestyle, routines etc. for the convenience of anyone. My house is my home, no one else deserves to enjoy it but me. I have chosen to share this with one man, and no one else. No overnight guests that forget to leave, no refrigerator raiders that won't help refill it, no slobs that can't pick up after themselves. If obvious courtesies and respect need to be asked for they are not forthcoming and neither is a second chance.

No one is in charge of my happiness, and I am not in charge of anyone else's. It is not my problem...no matter what ails you it is not my responsibility to fix it. I have found myself overwhelmed with trying to keep others content. This has me little energy for myself. As I began to eliminate the weeds from the garden of my life I began to see more sunlight. The negative energy created by feeling that I was not good enough, began to dissipate. The flowers bloomed and I have time to stop and smell them.

I do not own all the problems in the world. With this realization I no longer feel obligated to fix them. Me, myself and I are all that I am beholden to. I now choose, very carefully, who I allow into my space. I no longer feel the need to make things better for others in order to feel worthy of their presence in my life. If they need or want me to make them happy I apply the same rule to them that I have to myself. I am in charge of my happiness, and only mine.