Spring cleaning

I had warned everyone that this month, June, was probably going to be a difficult one for me. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the worst beat down I have ever experienced. However it feels more like mental and emotional Spring cleaning. 

There are memories of the few months Guy Michael Curtis was in my life and my home. Oddly enough he appears less and less in them.  They are becoming less frequent and beginning to blur around the edges. The pain and sadness I thought would overwhelm me has not. Rather a sense of peace has taken their place. 

In the beginning of this exile I was filled with a sense of anger and foul play. Those who had conspired to take my home, and possibly my life were not held accountable for their actions. As much as I hate the phrase "not fair," that is exactly what kept running through my mind. 

Events that have transpired have taken the sting away. My mother had a heart attack shortly before I was to come stay with her. The plans were already in place eliminating the sense of panic that would have overwhelmed me otherwise. Recently my son became engaged to a wonderful young lady. They will be getting married next Saturday. Once more circumstances have enabled me to be much closer and able to attend their wedding without the chaos of planning and transportation etc. 

I have always felt that my life was a garden of sorts. Last year it became overrun with weeds and garbage. I have rid my life of toxic people, thus getting rid of the weeds. This has made room for beautiful flowers to take root. I am resolved to maintain the blooms and continue to thwart the weeds. There are only a few individuals left that may try to create fresh hell for me, won't they be surprised when they find the drawbridge raised and the gate locked.

I am shedding the memories much like a winter coat. As they come they are more uncomfortable than sad and painful. I let each one run it's course and drift away. In a way I suppose I have forgiven those people, more because it takes too much energy to cultivate a sense of vengeance. Ultimately all will have to answer to their higher powers. If in fact there is such a thing as karma and it settles debts ten-fold I almost feel sorry for them. Almost...

Freeing myself from yesteray

I have been doing quite a bit of analyzing lately. I realized that I have been trying to insure that I never find myself in those circumstances again. To this end I continue to dig away at my memories and wondering why I did or didn't do something. How did Guy Michael Curtis, in the brief span of 7 months manage to have me doubting my faith, my core beliefs and morals, and my very identity. It was 7 months almost to the day between meeting him the first time and the day he beat me damn near to death.

Something occurred to me today, something so simple and yet vitally important to my recovery and ability to actually live my life from this day forward. That set of circumstances can never happen again. I can say this with unequivocal certainty. Those dates will never show up on my calendar again, the weather will never be identical again, the constellation of people in my life will never be the same again.

I have been educating myself on toxic personality disorders since the day Guy left my home and my life. One thing that I have become aware of is that several of my sister survivors are beginning to date again and seeing red flags in everyone. I am not actively dating, I do have a new partner and we were friends for many years before we became us. I am rarely out in the world to face new people, and as such am not able to determine my own sensitivity to red flag behavior. 

I have set my boundaries and expectations of others in general. I know what I will and will not accept in my life now. I refuse to tell anyone who I am, if they truly want to know the will take the time and pay attention to my responses to events, the music I enjoy and how it changes with my mood, the type of people I associate with and the type that make me uncomfortable. I was accused by Guy of being a liar. I was not who I told him I was, however he failed to take into consideration the affect my association with him had on my personality.

Every experience, conversation, interaction with the world changes us, sometimes in such a minuscule way that we aren't even aware. We are constantly evolving creatures, if we do not respond accordingly to our environmental stimulus we are forced to react to maintain an existence. This existence is a constant struggle for survival as we swim upstream against the majority of society. Curiously enough one of Guy Michael's favorite phrases was "adapt or die." As much effort as I had put into adapting to him, he almost killed me anyway, go figure.

I have wandered away from what was to be my primary focus right now. The perfect storm that created my circumstances in 2012 can never, under any circumstances occur again. With this in mind I have decided not to actively look for red flags. "Worrying only creates a circumstance that wasn't there to begin with." Ultimately if all I am concerned about is the bee that might sting me I will overlook the beauty of the flower garden they are pollinating.

I will keep in mind my boundaries and will allow no breaches of them. I will also take into consideration that while we are all on the same journey we are taking different paths. I want others to view me with this courtesy and understanding and it is only fair that I do the same for them.